Thursday, 24 February 2011

You can't pretend to be something you're not

I thought I wanted to try and increase the number of people following this blog, but I've changed my mind.  For once in my life I want to do something solely for me, and not care about whether people will like it or not.   I don't care if people think what I write is boring. This blog is a record of what I do, for my future reference.  It's a private diary in the public domain.

My friends don't know about it, because I want to be honest about things and not worry what people will think.  I had to remove the name of the shop I'm involved with because I don't want people I know to stumble across my blog.  I'm fed up of worrying what people will think, and not being true to myself.  I want a place where I can be honest with myself and express how I feel, and my blog is the place for that. If people want to follow me then that's great, but I'm not pretending to be something I'm not in order to attract followers.

I'm sure there must be other introverts out there that feel similar to me.  I don't need to pretend I'm an extrovert in order to make people like me. 

Where are all the introverts?  I feel so alone sometimes, like the whole world is extroverted.  It also feels like introvert is a dirty word.  I know extroverts see it and think introvert means someone too shy to interact, or someone boring and not willing to take part in fun things. I know some introverts aren't good with people, but I am. I am blessed/cursed with empathy for others and I have deep feeling and concern for others.  And it takes all sorts of people to make the world go round, not just extroverts.  Just because extroverts like being the centre of attention doesn't necessarily mean they're worth listening to.  If extroverts stopped thinking about themselves for a minute and took a second to ask me for my opinion they might learn something.

But for some reason I've always felt I didn't fit in, ever since I was very young.  Even at nursery and the first year at primary school I remember finding it hard mixing with people.  Often I spend time with people and I have a fake smile on my face whilst everyone around is genuinely laughing.  It's really hard pretending to fit in when you don't.  There are some people I feel very comfortable with, and I love being around, but other people I'll never, ever click with, they're on a completely different wavelength from me.

I suppose in a way, it's nice to be different, and not the same as everybody else.  But in the main it's hard being different and feeling like the odd one out.  I'd love to meet a friend who's like me, but I never do, they always catch me out by being too extroverted in some way.  I guess I need to keep looking.

Blah, blah, blah.  I'm sorry, can you tell this is a sore point for me?  I think I've been having a bad day. If, on some crazy off chance, you know how I feel please get in touch.  It would make me feel more sane to know it's not just me who feels this way.

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