Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Sunday therapy sessions with Jarvis

Well, this week my introversion, social anxiety, shyness - call it what you like - all came to a head on Thursday morning. I'd been asked to give a presentation at a meeting and I'd mentioned to my boss a few weeks back that I didn't feel comfortable doing this in front of a large group. So we came to a compromise - I'd put the presentation together and she would deliver it (she's fine in front of large groups, but not good with computers and presentations). However, when it came to the day, she must have forgotten our discussion. She quickly ran through the presentation and said 'are you OK doing the second half?' Well, stupid me, I just said yes, knowing full well that I didn't feel comfortable. But we were in an office full of people and I wasn't about to start spouting off about how shy I am. Some people don't realise I have a problem, and I didn't want to go shouting about it in front of a room of people. So we set off for the presentation. Well, imagine my horror when we entered the meeting room and there was about 60 people there! There's no way I can do a presentation in front of 60 people with 30 minutes' notice. So I had to tell my manager I couldn't do it and I got upset and started to cry. I felt so pathetic. I was crying like a child because I didn't want to do something. But I was really, really genuinely upset to the core and I had to go to the toilets for 20 minutes because I couldn't stop crying. I guess all these feelings that I'd bottled up were all coming out whether I liked it or not. My boss was understanding and didn't mind doing the presentation on her own. But I need to explain to her that I wasn't just upset about the presentation that morning, that it was about a lot of other issues in my life re social anxiety. It does my head in. How can I move forward in my career with this issue? I've got the brain to move up the ladder, but my social anxiety will prevent me from doing so. And I don't want to get over it, because taking in front of groups isn't something I aspire to do, it's just not for me.

I was really upset anyway. I came home and watched Fight Club. For some reason this film always soothes away any upset. It calms me down and makes me feel me again. I really needed it.

My friend Nina gave birth to a baby girl called Grace on Friday. I bought her a cute little summer outfit and hat and popped round to see them tonight. Grace is so adorable.

My sister and one of my nieces came up to visit this weekend. Unfortunately their visit clashed with my dressmaking course so I didn't get to spend as much time with them as I'd have liked. I had to work at the shop on Friday morning as it was the monthly board meeting, so this scuppered my usual cleaning routine, but Chris helped me out because he was off work. I made new some labels for the gardening section in the shop, I used some photos I took in the garden last year as the background for the labels. They look pretty good.

I found it hard at some points over the weekend, especially in the car with the radio on, my niece asking me questions and my sister asking me questions at the same time! It was too much going on at once and I was glad to get in the greenhouse on my own and sow some seeds. I sowed some melon seeds and some more chillies seeds. I also sowed three packets of sweet pea seeds, 3 per recycled pot noodle pot (Chris drilled some holes in the bottom, but they're nice long pots for the sweet peas to establish their roots in), and these went in the cold frame. Whilst sowing the seeds I listened to Jarvis Cocker's radio show, which is always soothing. I love Jarvis. His show feels very intimate, rather than loud and bolshy, it feels like it's just me and him. He even speaks softly and his voice is therapeutic. And I like the stories, poems and his choice of music. He helped to recharge my batteries and make me feel me again. I read on Wikipedia that he's also a fan of Sailing By before the Shipping Forecast, which made me smile. It's good to know it's not just me who likes these kind of things.

On the dressmaking course on Saturday, we cut out our fabric for the skirt and tacked it together, before attaching a waistband and trying it on. I was surprised the skirt actually fit me, but it did. I enjoyed the course this time and didn't come away with a headache. There was a demonstration taking place in town and lots of police sirens and horses were going past all day. A the next lesson we'll sew the skirt together using a sewing machine.

Chris has erected a new fence at the allotment which gives us a bit more privacy. He's also finished off the pond which looks ace. He's done a really good job. I'm sure we'll get some frogs in there soon.

I've been enjoying watching a live show by Christy Moore which I recorded off BBC4. I'm going to get more of Christy's music because I love some of his songs, especially Ride On.

It was Mother's Day on Sunday and I bought my Mum a royal hanging basket, with flowers in red, blue and white, she's excited about the royal wedding so I thought she'd like it. We also got Chris's mum a royal wedding planter. Chris's mum came to visit and we took her down to the allotment as she's never been before. She seemed impressed. I also took my sister and my niece to the allotment, and my mum came along too. Then we took my Mum out for lunch. She told me she's been feeling anxious again, so I hope she feels better soon. I thought she was doing OK after her trip to NYC but I'm not sure now. I hope she's alright.

The forget me nots look ace.

I picked some for me and my Mum.

My friend said she's been having spooky experiences in her room at night and she was going for an exorcism tonight!

Chris's holiday has finished now and I felt sorry for him having to go back to work. I hope he decides to take it easy and do more things for himself. As for me going down to 3 days, I don't think I could afford it, so I'm shelving that idea for a while.

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